An Open Letter to Partners of Women with PMDD.

Wednesday, May 31, 2017


Dearest Partners of Women with PMDD,

First of all, let me be clear. This letter does not come with answers or solutions. This is not a "be all & end all" to the chaos of PMDD. Every situation for every woman is different. Ergo (a word not used often enough), no household is the same. After many conversations and emails with men and women around the world, I've realized a few common traits, however. There are similar feelings, circumstances, emotions, issues and experiences...this letter addresses and recognizes them. This note recognizes the real, true emotions and thoughts emanating from the souls of men (and women) coping with a partner with PMDD. This is not a happy letter to make everyone feel better...it's one that draws attention to the mindset reality of living with PMDD. This isn't about me. It's about all of us.

I know you.

You're tired. Exhausted. You feel drained of all energy - emotional, physical, spiritual. Perhaps you feel absolutely nothing at all. You're like a zombie, going through the motions every day. But you're used to it...it's who you've become. You don't like it - you wish you had more energy and lust for life - but you give yourself a daily pep talk to survive the day, praying that today might be better...and you're not even the one with PMDD.

You are constantly on edge. You never know when her hurricane will hit. Predicting how one day to the next will transpire is fruitless. Hour to hour, day to day...hell, even minute to minute, is a pointless exercise. You see her, you love her, you feel for her but you wonder, "what else can I do?" - you've already tried everything!

You've thought about divorce. You've thought about having an affair. You've questioned your life choices...and those thoughts scare the hell out of you. So why do you stay? Why do you remain committed in a relationship that causes you stress and, most likely, shaves years off your life? Perhaps it's because of the words, "...in sickness and health...'til death do us part..." or maybe you're a glutton for punishment or feel, deep down, you can fix her or save her. Possibly, you fear what she'd do if you left. If you have kids, my guess is, you're there for them, more than her.

You've probably heard from her, more times than can count, that she "needs to do (this) or (that) because it might help" - this may include taking a course, going for a run, spending a day or two at the spa, getting massages, nights out with her girlfriends, binge watching Sex & the City or Supernatural, spending a few days here and there away from you (and the kids)...but can you do the same? No. Can you just take off for a few hours and have the day just for you? Probably not. Deep down, you wonder, could she handle the kids for 3 days without me? Your/my gut says no. The time you have out of the house is, most likely, spent getting groceries and doing things that need to be done to make the house and your life a little better.

You don't get enough downtime and, when you do have the opportunity to sit back and chill, your mind's still racing. Most likely, you just want to watch something pointless or mindless, have a beer and fall asleep. The thought of watching a show that has deep thoughts, intellectual content or educational information further stresses you out because your mind can't relax...there's no shut off switch to settle your brain.

You probably don't hear "Thank you" or "I love you" nearly often enough...and, as for, physical expressions of love? Not so much. (or, at least, not like it used to be). But when SHE wants it, you must provide! Perhaps sex - or any form of intimacy - feels like a chore...another task to complete. Or perhaps, when it finally happens - a moment together, both of you in a positive, awake state of mind - it's a relief...an opportunity to forget about the trials of tribulations of the past few days.

You say words but may not mean them...or they don't have the same feeling behind them like they used to: "I love you" - perhaps it's said so she can hear the words but, your feeling behind them is different. "It'll be okay" - knowing, deep down, it'll get better for her but not for you. Her diatribes, constant needs, argumentative statements, vitriolic, mean words...you'll remember them and hold onto them and think of them all too often. You'll start to believe them - or, at minimum, question who you are based on her hurtful words. You say, "I'm here for you" but, perhaps deep down, you wish at that moment, you weren't. "

You question everything & constantly overthink.When you're sitting on the porch with her, having your coffee or glass of wine, and you hear her sigh heavily, you wonder if that's a sign of impending doom - something dark on her mind, or a coping mechanism to calm herself...or maybe she's just relaxing for the first time in awhile. In any case, you don't ask because "is everything okay?" or "what're you thinking?" or "something wrong?" might set off a chain of events you don't want to deal with.

You constantly look for ways to control your environment - from the way you schedule your day to what you cook for supper or how you organize things around the house. More often than not, when she's in her state, decisions are a further stress and amplify her anxiety. What do you do? You make all the decisions, thinking that'll make life easier for her. Yet, unfortunately, it doesn't often work out that way. Perhaps it's her response of "you should've asked/told me" or "why didn't you let me know?" or "if you loved me you'd have...". Friends may say, "damned if you do, damned if you don't" but, to you, it had to be done. Survival instinct kicks in and you do what you need to do.

On the good days, when she's positive, upbeat, full of energy, revitalized, you struggle to enjoy the moment...you don't know how long it'll last...you fear the bubble popping...you're still on edge and, most likely, get down on yourself for not being fully present with her. Even when you know you SHOULD be enjoying yourself, you can't.

You're not fully present on a good day. You're not fully present when you're supposed to be having fun or enjoying life. But you ARE fully present when you're surrounded by her chaos, negativity, anger, frustration and darkness. Think about that for a moment:

You're only fully alive when you're being torn down, when your life force is being given to someone else, when every moment of your day is spent making sure your partner (and your household) lives to see another day.

You probably mutter or mumble under your breath as you walk away from her...things you wish you could say out loud but, knowing the damage they'd do to both of you, respecting her mental state, you keep it to yourself, tucking it deep inside where the feelings fester and ferment. Maybe those words of resentment will go away..or, maybe they've established a symbiotic relationship with your soul. These periods of resentment...they grow in number as the years go on...your thought process dips its toes into the murky waters of ire more frequently and easily.

You're constantly seeking an outlet for your tension. Nothing seems to work. Perhaps you go to the gym but, for some reason, you cut your workout short because you're worried about her...or you're too stressed to even relax to workout fully. Or, maybe, you go for a pint with your mates but, you're not fully present...your mind is elsewhere, wondering if she's okay. And you cut your night short because you know you need your energy to deal with the next day.

You feel guilty when you do something for you. Whether a ball game or buying something online, you wonder how she'll react or what she'll think or if she'll resent your 'selfish' ways. So you begin doing less and less for yourself, channelling your energy into your family and her.

If you have kids, you wonder what they'll remember about life in the house, growing up. Will they remember how Mommy hardly slept in the same bed as Daddy? Will they remember how Daddy would always wake them up in the morning, get them dressed, make them breakfast, pack their lunches, cook supper, clean the kitchen, do the laundry, get the groceries? Or will they remember that Daddy didn't have enough time to play with them because of everything he did to make the house function?

You cry. Sometimes there are tears streaming down your face or sometimes you're crying on the inside. But, regardless, you're sad. You're upset - at yourself, at her, at a higher power, at anyone, at no one - yet you keep it to yourself. It's your burden. Perhaps you feel like you asked for this. Perhaps you believe this is your own private challenge. Know you're not alone. There are people out there to help. People are there for you. They want to help...they're waiting at your doorstep...it's up to you to let them in.

This letter is part vent, part affirmation. Maybe you've had some (or all) of these thoughts. Maybe you can't relate at all. In any case, you aren't alone. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, strength builds from pain. For whatever your reasons, your resolve to remain committed to someone struggling with the very fabric of being, is powerful. While my words may not be enough, you are a great person, standing beside someone who needs you more than words. You may not hear it enough or feel it or even believe it but your presence is an amazing gift - not only to her but to the universe. You make her world - and the world around you - a better place.

Damned if you do...Damned if you don't.

Scenario:
The dudes want to go to the zoo.
"We'll go tomorrow morning." (all 4 of us: Mom, Dad, Dude & Lil Dude).

The next morning:
Mommy's tired. Mommy wants to go to zoo but won't get out of bed.
Mommy says she'll try to come. Mommy's anxiety is up.

30 minutes later:
The Dudes are ready. Daddy's ready. Mommy's still in bed.

What would you do?

If you leave with the Dudes, Mommy gets sad that you went without her.
If you stay, waiting, the Dudes get royally antsy, wanting to go to the zoo.
If you wait for Mommy, knowing her anxiety, how long will she last before bringing the excursion to an abrupt end, not being able to handle the crowds, the smells, the walking, the noise?

Then everyone is sad.

What'd I do?

I left. I took the boys. Didn't think twice.

In my mind, majority rules. They want to go. So do I. If Mommy really wants to come, if she really and truly believes her words that she "really wants to go", she'd get out of bed or at least show some initiative to engage in the adventure. She didn't.

Waiting for something to happen which, pessimistically, I believe won't occur, is common. I cannot sit around waiting, letting opportunities for the Dudes pass them by. In good conscience, I can't let them be held hostage by her emotional turmoil.

When she's fighting the darkness, battling her emotions, when she says, "I'll be up to help with supper / bedtime / bath / laundry / etc..." I know these to be words of hope, not reality.

I understand why she says it, I appreciate her interest, but I know it's false hope. It sucks...for the Dudes, especially. The number of times I've heard "...but Mommy said she would..." or "where's Mommy?" or "is Mommy not feeling well again?"...those are tough icebergs to navigate around emotionally for me. Because they notice. They see. They hear. They know.

The other night, during prayer, Lil Dude said "God Bless Mommy again" - I asked him why it was important to pray for Mommy again: "Because she's sick...she's not good...and that makes me sad."

Cue the tears.

I tried explaining that Mommy's not feeling well, that she still loves him very much and wishes she could read to him before bed...but he curled up into my chest and went to sleep...

It's her initiative that I miss. Showing the gumption to get off the couch, put down the phone and help...instead, when she comes out of her fog, it often segues into a depressive conversation listing all the things that DIDN'T get done over the past few days, completely ignoring the buttload of things that WERE accomplished. Lunches made. Dishes done. Kitchen cleaned. Laundry done, folded and put away. Groceries obtained. Boys bathed. Suppers organized for the week. Bills paid. Bins emptied.

But all that's secondary. If I remind her about everything I did while she was in her haze, she gets even MORE depressed, because I've made her feel worse for what little she did.

So I keep my mouth shut.

However, coming home from the zoo (or wherever exciting we've ventured) is a different story. I can tell she puts on a brave face when the Dudes relay all the things we saw, did, ate, explored and learned. I can tell she WANTS to see the pictures...but, at the same time, doesn't. It reminds her of why she didn't go. She retreats into the cocoon of her mind and, for the better part of the rest of the day/night, she's in a slump again.

All because I took them to the zoo.

I love her with all my heart...but the reality is that she's become secondary to the Dudes.

My thinking, in pseudo-dilemmas like these is: you handle you, I'll handle everything else.

But I wonder about the future...what will THEY remember?

Will they remember us Three Dudes going places (Da Boyz @ Da Zoo)?
Do they wonder why Mommy doesn't come with us? (Honestly, they don't often ask, when they're surrounded by animals & the smell of poop!)

Will they remember Daddy as someone who took them to the zoo or as someone who didn't have the time to play with them around the house because he was too busy making lunches, doing laundry, cooking supper, getting groceries and other things necessary for the four of us to function?

I fear the latter.

I want to care for her...but I need to care for the boys. It's a difficult conundrum.

When Dude was born, there were complications. The doctor said, very clearly, "you can stay here with your wife or go with your new son. It's one or the other."

I chose the Dude.

It's the not knowing that sucks.

IT'S THE NOT KNOWING THAT SUCKS.

ME: "What are some things that make you happy?"

WIFE: "Work definitely...and having some alone time...and the kids - they make me happy, too."

Not even an honorable mention...or an afterthought...I didn't even dent the radar of things that make her happy.

It was like a swift kick in the crotch with a steel toe boot.

My list, (which I explained during our grown up supper at a real restaurant without the kids) included the following: "cooking...just the wide eyed look of orgasmic delight when you walk in the house and smell the roasted garlic or spices, makes me happy; the boys...especially when they help out in the kitchen while cooking for mommy; music...which is no surprise..."

I thought about trailing off as I saw her anxiety level rise but I didn't, telling her that a lot of my happiness comes from the interaction and reactions I get from things I do beyond myself.

I ended the conversation with a simple statement: "I didn't even make your list." (then proceeded to finish my beer in awkward silence.)

It's the not knowing that sucks. Not knowing if it'll be a good day or a bad day. Not knowing if, with each passing hour, the mood will stay constant or change drastically...like a weather pattern with a pending storm circling. The persistent threat of dark clouds unleashing their fury...for a minute...an hour...a week. Unlike meteorologists, those of us dealing with partners with PMDD cannot predict, from moment to moment, what moods the future holds.

It's not knowing if a simple request, comment, suggestion or statement will lead to a pleasant response or a result in heightened anxiety, a war of words, a cold shoulder or the silent treatment...

It's not knowing if she'll come upstairs to bed or if she'll stay downstairs, in front of the TV, playing games on her cellphone. It's not knowing whether she'll make it through the day at school. Yes, I think about how she's coping at work. How she's handling the stresses of the day. But then, I remember, work makes her happy.

It's not knowing if a simple request or question (could you take the laundry out of the dryer? Could you please start cutting the veggies for supper? Would you mind clearing the table for supper? What do the boys want for lunches at school tomorrow?) might set her off or heighten her anxiety or initiate a tailspin.

It's the not knowing if I'm doing enough, or if (in fact) I make her happy, if I'm keeping the wolves at bay, giving her the space and alone time she wants, needs, craves and requires. It's not knowing when she'll come out of her dark place. It's also the not knowing if she's doing enough for herself while she's hibernating in the basement or burrowed in the bedroom. It's the not knowing if, one day, I'll come home to a corpse.

------------------------------

So, what do I do?

Firstly, I acknowledge there are outcomes I cannot control so I focus on those I can. As my wife says, I martyr myself. I err on the side of caution, believing that, if I cannot accurately predict a good day, it'll be a bad day. Therefore, I start the day accepting the multitude of tasks that need to be done - if she offers to help, 'great' - it's a good day. I have my list of things to do and it's become a routine (for the most part) in the morning (though, really, how many times must I tell the Dudes to 'put on their pants!').

I know many out there may be thinking "that's not fair to her" and that I should just ask for her help or give her set tasks to accomplish. But, seriously, why poke the bear? If I can do it, why not do it? Why rattle the cage of someone on the edge? Why look back in anger - at myself, at her - should the task not get done? Whether or not she appreciates it, whether or not she takes me for granted, is irrelevant - at least while she's embedded in internal chaos...but acknowledgement when she emerges from her hellish cocoon helps.

A friend said to me: do you think she's taking you for granted? is she using her PMDD to get out of doing stuff, knowing you'll do it instead? I had to stop and think. I wondered the same thing but, my hope and my faith is that she wouldn't do that to me - to us, her family. To quote Agent Scully: I want to believe.

(I'm in the process of writing a longer letter to our loved ones suffering with PMDD but, in the meantime, here's the beginning)

Dearest women, suffering from PMDD, 
       Letting us know that you see us doing stuff to help you and the family, (if, that is, you remember what we did to help or support), gives us the energy or life force to fight for you another day. I'm not talking grand gestures of gratitude...a hug, a thank you...hell, even a text expressing a sentiment of gratitude...something that makes us believe that our efforts for you are not in vain. 

      We are committed and determined to fight for you...will you fight for us?

As an aside, I find this song rather powerful, in expressing the sentiment many men have for their partners who suffer not just with PMDD but other disorders: War Paint by Madeline Merlo.

Madeline Merlo - War Paint (lyric video)

PMDD & ZOMBIES:

PMDD & ZOMBIES

 "The Walking PMDDead"

I read a response to a guy who's coping with his partner's pmdd. (This was on a now defunct site, a few years ago). He said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that 'she sounds like a monster' and that he 'needs to protect himself' because 'she will eventually kill you' and how he 'needs to save his life' by running 'far, far away'. These parts stuck with me for a few reasons: 1) the Shrek reference to the land where all men should flee; and 2) how much it sounds like a message in a zombie survival guide. 

I have to laugh and come clean: I've thought about writing a PMDD survival guide for men, in the style of a zombie guide. Sometimes when my wife is in her funk, when her responses come in grunts or growls, when I sense the potential for lashing out, I think about that zombie show or movie, the one with the guy who keeps his friend or wife in the basement, even though she's turned, because he loves her and wants to help her.

(FYI: I'm talking about almost every zombie show or movie ever released).

Perhaps it's because he never had the chance to convey how much she meant to him and this is his penance. Perhaps he can't bear the thought of letting her go. Perhaps he's holding out for a cure. He has hope. He has faith. He believes in a better future. It's just him n her. No other people to rely on or deal with.

He's willing to live with the consequences of his choices. Most men wouldn't. Self preservation and all that - get the F outta dodge - run run away! But not him. He belongs with her. This is his place. Regardless of the imperfections or illness or challenges, he's willing to be with her. It may be draining, exhausting, at times dangerous, and, in all likelihood, incomprehensible to most other men...but it's the only decision that makes sense. He rises above the negativity, stronger and determined, willing to face each day with confidence and hope.

I'm not saying women with PMDD are zombies. But it enters my brain every now & then - the aggression (or potential for it); the sudden change in demeanour; the appetite for what her body craves and desires (and heavens help your soul if you don't have what she needs or wants); the darkness that's more appealing...and the need to remove humans from her vicinity (by any means necessary).

But then I think about my place. My unending hope for her - to not have to face the chaos within; my willingness to do anything I can to help her (even if it means leaving her alone, letting her be on her own); my stubbornness to always see or seek the good within her, despite the negativity; and my determination to give all I can (and am) to make her time in that dark place a little brighter.
-------------
P.S.

Should you have any questions, comments, ideas or simply need to vent or release some steam, my email is popculture007@gmail.com or on Twitter +Chef Jay (@popculture007). I also started a Facebook group to share thoughts and stories and words of support and advice: www.facebook.com/groups/757135324436497/

PMDD...from one partner to another...

Violence...It's NEVER okay. Assault is never acceptable. Physical Abuse must never be tolerated. PMDD must not be used as a justification or acceptable reason for assault, abuse or violence. If there's violence in your relationship, things need to change. Communication is key. Intervention may be necessary. An emotional discussion is of utmost importance.

Yes, my wife had aggressive tendencies earlier in our relationship. Yes, there have been flare-ups over the years. But we talked about it then and we're STILL talking about it...and it's not easy.

My wife has worked her ass off trying to control those aggressive urges. She said that, having kids, seeing them in her PMDD haze, lessens her potential for unleashing the beast within. However, it increases the likelihood of her hibernating in the basement for hours on end. It's a Catch-22. The kids want to see her but she doesn't want them to see her in that state. She wants to be involved in their weekend shenanigans but fears what might happen should another wave of darkness roll in.

How do we deal?

First of all, we have an agreement. When there's too much Dude chaos, when they're sending her anxiety through the roof, when the stimuli of us is too much, she goes downstairs. She burrows. I'll check on her when I can, asking a simple question - do you need anything? If the answer's no, I leave her, returning to the kids.

When she says to 'leave me alone' or 'go away' or 'get out', I do.

When she says she doesn't want anything, when she tells me she needs her space, I give it to her.

However long it takes, I don't bug her or inundate her with questions or hugs or kisses.

In the nicer weather, she goes for a run. There are days where, she'll walk to the front door in her running clothes say "I'm going for a run" and leave. As she goes, so does the dark cloud that surrounds her.

Self preservation is key. For you and her.

It's hard as hell to see your partner shattered or in a world of hurt. It's even harder to hear her tell you to leave her alone. And it'll seem like the hardest thing ever to walk away, to let her be, to actually hear and accept her words.
--------------------------------

What's my story?

Early in our relationship, as we developed mutual coping mechanisms for her bouts of PMDD, we were very clear with each other - if she wants something, she needs to ask for it. I can't read her mind. If she says she doesn't want anything, I can't get in trouble for not getting her the chocolate bar or ice cream or chips she was thinking of! Either she says what she wants or gets it herself.

Secondly, when she would tell me to leave her alone, I would. No matter how much I wanted to help, I walked away. I went to Starbucks. I went to a pub and watched sports (and ate free peanuts). Yes, I worried. Yes, I was scared. Yes, I struggled to concentrate on the game. But, we had another agreement: when she wanted something or needed something, she'd text me with specifics.

I don't know what went on in our apartment (and later our home) while I was out. Screaming? Yelling? Hitting pillows? Punching walls? I know there'd be stuff on the floor that wasn't there earlier but, I didn't ask anything. I came in, gave her what she wanted (chocolate? hug? bag of dill pickle chips?) and, usually, said nothing. I let her speak first...let her initiate the communication. That told me she was ready to talk...that she was coming out of her state.

Yes, sometimes there's aggression - mostly verbal, with a few bouts of physical over the past 12 years. But I equate it to holding a dog or cat or any animal that doesn't want to be held. It will bite, it'll lash out, it'll hiss, it'll protect itself. I was too close to her. I was asking too many questions. I was giving a hug that wasn't wanted...it just amplified her anxiety and exacerbated her stimuli. I was making things worse by ignoring her words. I didn't listen when she told me to leave her alone. I thought I knew what she wanted. I thought I knew better than her. I couldn't accept that I couldn't fix her. (I know better now!)

So, now, it's on her. If she wants help, she needs to ask for it. If she needs something, she needs to ask for it. If she asks for nothing, that's what she gets. I know, it sounds heartless & mean. But it works for us.

TALK! Honestly.

Finding out what works for you is hard. It takes a lot of time and a lot of patience and a lot of communication. Honest communication. Talking about your feelings. Express the emotional toll her PMDD takes on you (how it drains you, scares you, how you want so much to help but don't know how). Being blunt, straightforward with your ideas. Have a game plan going into the conversation. What do you hope to get out of the conversation? What would make things better for you - tell her how hard it is to see her like that, tell her you want to help her but don't know how - but, for heaven's sake, listen to her words. If she says, in those moments, it's best to leave her alone, do it. If she says, in those times, to put a chocolate bar on the bedside table, have a stash handy to appease the PMDD beast. If she says she wants a punching bag, use a pillow (FYI - those body pillows are tough, sturdy, can be bunched up and squeezed to death!). Lastly, talk about what the two of you should do next time...for the next flare-up. Don't think long term - look at the next month (because, dear friend, the PMDD beast WILL return). I can't lie - it's been 12 years and we're STILL re-evaluating our coping mechanisms!

Say 'I love you' and 'I'm here if you need anything' or 'I'm sorry I can't do more' or 'I'm amazed at your strength to deal with it'...let her know that you recognize her struggle. Words do help. She may not say anything in response, but your words may just seep into her subconscious, letting her know you're there.

Be prepared - somethings will work, many things won't. Get used to it. You're not a failure for trying. Your relationship will be stronger BECAUSE you tried. Your commitment to her is - and always will be - a work in progress. What's successful one month, may fail epically the next. It's okay. The more strategies or outlets or possible solutions the two of you develop, the better off you'll both be.

Our List: (I can't say these will work for you but it'll give a little insight into our realm)...this is still a work in progress and changes with every bout: she plays piano, running (when it's actually nice out), dill pickle chips, Downton Abbey, Star Trek: TNG, Lindt Chili Dark Chocolate, her phone (Candy Crush & some Choose Your Own Adventure games), pillows & blankets (to create her cocoon), nachos, Supernatural, really bad movies like Sharknado 3, disaster documentaries...all of these came through trial and error...basically, stuff that requires little thought, minimal emotional investment (on her part) and can be controlled by her.

Good luck on your quest. Both of you are stronger by your willingness to help. You can do it!

PS - my email, should you have questions or suggestions, if popculture007@gmail.com

PMDD, Totem Poles, Baobab Trees & a Water Pitcher.

PART ONE: You are a Water Pitcher.

A teacher friend of mine gave me this to chew on:

Every morning, you are a pitcher full of water. As the day goes on, as you help, guide, teach, listen, cope with your students (and others), you give some of your water to them. You give of yourself to others.

At the end of the day, who refills your pitcher? How are you replenished?

(I jokingly responded, 'get more beer', which was met with an "I'm serious, Jay" look.)

For guys coping with partners with PMDD, it's a valid question. This is a draining, exhaustive process - for both of you.

With kids, it means having them to yourself - which can be fun, freeing and a great distraction. It also means handling their every need (if they're young) or schlepping them to hockey, soccer, baseball, sleepovers, scouts, playdates, gymnastics...the list goes on.

It also means, depending on the day of the week, handling getting dressed, breakfasts, lunches, suppers, snacks, bath time, bedtime...and all stops in between.

It also means, cleaning, laundry, groceries, cooking, disciplining, maintenance of the home...all while, often, tiptoeing around mommy who's not feeling well.

And all of this before you even think about stuff that YOU need to do...whether work or social or personal or professional...your priorities usually take a backseat to your partner's needs and, if applicable, your children.

PART TWO: Totem Poles.

(I don't feel comfortable appropriating an image of a totem pole for picture's sake.)

A friend said to me, when I explained my situation, "Wow, you really are bottom of the totem pole."

I know he meant it as third place or last place or an after thought. But I see it differently.

The base of the totem pole is:

• at eye height, giving it prominence and importance, so everyone can see it;
• usually the thickest part of the pole, the strongest part of the wood;
• the root of the family story upon which the future tales are built.

The base is the foundation, the strength, the power that holds everything up. It's firmly planted and rooted in the ground, the basis of the family.  

While totem poles have no linear structure or hierarchy to it's progression, the base is seen as having the highest significance. The 'low man on the totem pole' is something to be proud of. Embrace it, knowing that you are the grounded one.

PART THREE: The Baobab tree.

Also known as the "upside-down tree". Or, the Tree of Life.

A tree whose roots are above the ground, stemming from a huge, strong, thick and powerful base. It provides the nutrients and water to itself and the roots reaching for the sky. It stores the energy needed to survive droughts. It withstands the elements and remains standing and visible throughout Africa. It is a symbol of power and strength, upon which the fruits grow. Without it's energy, the roots do not produce its fruit.

Which leads me back to the water pitcher metaphor. The Baobab tree stores water to support the trunk in its branches that are firmly planted in the ground. This are the stores for the base of the tree, while the trunk holds water for the roots in the sky.

(I know, it's the whole upside down thing...which, in itself, is symbolic of our family life).

It's an important question to ask yourself: have you stored water for yourself? where do you go to replenish your water? how do you refill your pitcher?

What do you do for fun? What do you do for yourself? Who or what helps you regain your strength? Friends? Family? The gym? Reading? Writing? Sports? Cooking? Dancing? Hiking? Music (playing or listening or composing)? Whatever it is, embrace it. It's there for you. It's your time.

Need I say, avoid getting pissed drunk or any other potentially harmful behaviours? That won't help anyone or make things any better. It'll do more harm than good.

We support, we nourish, we strengthen. It may not always feel like it, and it sometimes is hard to believe or accept, but your strength as a human, as a partner, as a parent, will strengthen those around you...but never lose sight of the fact that you need an outlet to regroup, regenerate and nourish yourself, storing your energy for the difficult days that will, undoubtedly, arise.

PMDD - from one partner to another.

Welcome...thanks for stopping by. Hopefully, this epic rambling may stimulate conversation, provide a glimpse into the lives of couples & families with PMDD and create an awareness of the challenges, trials & tribulations of men coping with partners with PMDD.


Should you have any questions, comments, ideas, or simply a need to vent, my email is popculture007@gmail.com & on twitter, +Chef Jay  (@popculture007). I also started a Facebook group to share thoughts, ideas:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/757135324436497/
---------------------------

Let's get the basics out of the way - you probably already know about the symptoms and the ensuing tornado of emotions but, for thoroughness' sake:

What is PMDD? According to the Mayo Clinic:

"Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is a severe, sometimes disabling extension of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Although regular PMS and PMDD both have physical and emotional symptoms, PMDD causes extreme mood shifts that can disrupt your work and damage your relationships.

In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms usually begin seven to 10 days before your period starts and continue for the first few days that you have your period. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause bloating, breast tenderness, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. In PMDD, however, at least one of these emotional and behavioural symptoms stands out:

• Sadness or hopelessness
• Anxiety or tension
• Extreme moodiness
• Marked irritability or anger

The cause of PMDD isn't clear. Underlying depression and anxiety are common in both PMS and PMDD, so it's possible that the hormonal changes that trigger a menstrual period worsen the symptoms of mood disorders."

(http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/premenstrual-syndrome/expert-answers/pmdd/faq-20058315)

Why am I writing this epic dissertation on PMDD? Simple. I need to. There aren't many resources out there for guys. There isn't a strong support system - the number of comments I've seen by guys saying "run away" or "get the F out of the relationship" or "she's crazy" are overwhelming, insulting and, at the very least, a disappointing commentary on the state of men.

Living with a wife with PMDD (who's had it most of her life) and growing up with a sister who, looking back, had something along the same lines, I can say the following: It's worse than what's described. Does it need to be said that PMDD is NOT PMS? Duh.

"...symptoms begin 7 to 10 days" - not always. It can hit at a moment's notice. The anxieties can skyrocket in a heartbeat. The moodiness can take over without warning...a sound, a question, proximity to other humans...anything. One moment, she's sitting at the dining room table, the next, she's heading to the basement to burrow into pillows and blankets, watching Downton Abbey (or whichever show makes her feel better).

If your partner, wife, girlfriend, significant other is anything like my wife (who, according to her doctor, is a textbook case for PMDD), hopefully my words might help, enlighten or support you in your relationship. It's not easy. I feel for you. Really. It's hard as hell. You can do this.

Let me say this first (and I'll say it a couple more times before this is through):

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Family is key. Hers, Yours...they need to understand what you're going through, why she couldn't make it to Thanksgiving supper or church or your nephew's recital. She probably doesn't want to be around people. Including you. Your life must continue.

But here's the tough part: she will take it out on you. Why? Because she loves you. If she's letting loose her irritations, her tirades, her anger, her frustrations upon you, it means she trusts you. She's let you behind the curtain. But what sucks is that you will be yelled at, loathed, be the focal point of her ire. And, most likely, she won't want to talk about it. She won't want to dwell on it. Once its passed, she's done with it, not wanting to recall the dark place she endured. Why? Because it's over...and, most likely, she won't want to consider how her words or actions (which she may or may not remember expressing) affect you or those around her. It makes matters worse. Or, at least, that's what I've learned. Often, picking fights is an outlet for the tension in her mind and body. My wife says it's because she loves me. It's hard as hell, but don't give into the temptation to engage in an argument when she's PMDD-y. Walk away. Seriously. She will, likely, say things to get you going, get under your skin or piss you off. Walk away. She's only doing it to drag you down. It'll make things so much worse because, likely, she won't recall engaging you in a volatile discussion and you will. And, if you're like me, you'll hold it against her. Remember, dysphoria is 'a state of unease or generalized dissatisfaction with life' - compounded with her anxiety, depression, restlessness, agitation and irritation...it's like a tornado within her body and her words are letting some of the destructive forces out, wrecking you in the process. The tornado knows not what it destroys. Walk away.

Here's the best way my wife described it: She's in a deep, dark hole. There's only one way out and, to get there, she has to go through the darkness. She said, 'when I come out, into the light, it helps if you're there waiting for me...it makes things easier.' - that, for her, for our family, I can do.

We have 2 kids. They're realising (at the ages of 4 & 6) that "mommy doesn't feel very good" rather often. Until medication entered our house, her PMDD symptoms were, on average, 16 out of 30 days. Things are getting better...the boys are well versed in the "don't wake mommy" talk...or "mommy's very tired today" chat...my 4 y/o will come into our bedroom to sleep with me when mommy stays downstairs. As he puts it "I'll sleep with you, daddy, so you don't get sad".  

One thing that's not often identified when discussing symptoms of PMDD is suicidal fantasies. I learned, quickly, that the fantasies are VERY different from tendencies. I was told, "hide the pain pills away from me because that's the way I'd probably do it...less mess for you to clean up". WTF? Nobody prepares you for that mindset. (Note: I've since learned that this is called "suicide ideation".

So...What do I do? How do I cope? What keeps me grounded? Why do I stay in a relationship that, clearly, is emotionally volatile?

First off, the boys. Dude & Lil Dude. I'm there for them. I take them away, keep them occupied, keep them entertained, keep them busy...but I also get their meals, make their lunches, do their laundry, bathe them and put them to bed...and I wake them up, make them breakfast, get them ready for school...it's not an equal division of labour, I know...but it's what needs to be done.

Why do I do all that? Why do I also do the groceries and the laundry and make suppers? Simple. I don't know if it's going to be one of THOSE days. I made a promise to myself that I'd do what I could to start the day off positively and easily for her. I anticipate the worst (it's gotten to the point where I have a 50/50 chance of  being right). I try and do everything I can so her anxiety is lessened. I can't get rid of it...but I can lower it. She calls me a martyr. So be it. I'd rather do that than be one of the guys who, at the first sign of adversity, turns tail and runs.

How do I survive? If I'm doing all of this, what am I doing for me? Well, it's taken a long time but, I've accepted the fact that it's not about me. It's not even about her. It's about the boys. If she's in a state, I trust her to handle it. I deal with the dudes.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Don't get me wrong. I do things for me. I'm not talking about drinking or smoking or drugs (though my alcohol intake does increase on those PMDD days). For me, it's cooking. Something that has a beginning, middle, end. Something that involves the boys (so they don't bug mommy on the couch or in bed). Something that satisfies us. Something that's controllable by me. Something that's as challenging as I want to make it. Something that allows me to express myself to others. I can immerse myself in the process, pushing the stresses of the day to the side (at least temporarily).

Recently, I've been writing. I write how I'm feeling when she ups and leaves the dinner table or lashes out at me or tries to pick a fight just because she wants to argue. I keep track of the number of days she sleeps downstairs, while I deal with the boys through the night. I write lists (bucket, shopping, chores). I write quotes or words of wisdom and inspiration (to remind myself that I'm not alone...though it often feels like I am.)

My big one, though, is music. No, I don't write it or sing it or perform it. I listen to it. I have my 'mood music' to centre me. And, like her needs during her PMDD spells, what I need varies each time. It could be punk or rap or chillout or metal or classic rock or country...but when it's on, I'm in the zone, in the moment and in the mood. When I'm cooking, there's ALWAYS music on. Again, it shifts with my moods.

I'll say it: PMDD can be a selfish disorder if your partner blames every given frustration or moodiness or anxieties on it. And, trust me, it can go there. She will do what she needs to do for her when she needs to do it. Regardless of your intentions, there's very little you can do. She's been dealing with it, coping with it, handling it well before you entered the picture. She's dealt with it on her own and will continue to do so...ON HER OWN. Get over it. Seriously.

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

For the love of humanity, when she says to leave her alone, LEAVE HER ALONE.

When you're trying to decide what to make for supper, avoid at all costs, asking question after question after question. Stick to one simple question with a yes or no answer. Most likely, she won't eat any food anyway so it doesn't matter what you make!

Please ask her, once, "is there anything you need" or "can I get you anything" or "is there anything I can do?" - but do NOT ask every few minutes.

Be prepared. It's the scout's motto. It's important here, too. Have her comfort foods on hand: perhaps it's a particular chocolate bar (Lindt dark chocolate with hot peppers for my wife) or salty snacks (chips? nachos?) - don't be surprised if they disappear during her moments of deep darkness. Even if you wanted some, you can buy more. Again, this can lead down the road of selfishness but get over it.

This is a disorder requiring frequent, unexpected sacrifice. You're going to need to give up stuff - she may need your attention...ooooooooorrrrrrrr....she may tell you to 'get the f--- out' meaning you need to find somewhere else to be (pub? friend's place? ANYWHERE but home). The nice thing is that, if she's coming out of her state, she'll text you to come home. When you do go home, say very little. Maybe a 'how are you feeling?' but don't you dare overwhelm her with story after story about what you saw, did, or heard. It's not - and never will be - about you during these times.

One more thing. YOU. CAN'T. FIX. HER. Don't try. Don't tell her to 'go for a walk' or ask to go out for dinner or sex. Don't even consider telling her to 'get over it' or 'snap out of it' or tell her that it's nothing. It's everything. It's all consuming and all encompassing. It is a deep, dark hole that she's allowed herself to explore and it's scary as fu--. She doesn't want you down there with her. This is her own hell. You cannot and will not be her tour guide. Trust me. I've had my nuts in a sling one too many times thinking I could be the fixer...like I could be the solution to her problems. It sucks to not be able to solve a problem for her. I love my wife, but not having the tools to fix her hurts like hell. She's stronger than words can express...and it'll make you stronger the moment you accept the fact that you are not her knight in shining armour, rescuing her from a pit of despair.

So what are the solutions? There aren't any. Every month may be a different hell. Every time it rears it's ugly head, it may be a different stimulus that exacerbates her anxiety. You can usually predict when the darkness may arise but be prepared for spontaneous combustion.

There are medications (my wife's on Cipralex). Does it help? Yes. Is it a cure? No. Her PMDD still comes...but not as frequently. We're down to ~8-10 days a month now. It lowers sex drive. Decreases appetite (with sporadic bouts of gorging). Ironically, it CAN increase anxiety (!) which, I thought, it was supposed to minimize...but, whatever.

There's therapy. I'm sure there is. We just haven't explored it. Yet. 

There's exercise or yoga...something that centres the mind and body. But, dear man, don't suggest she work out while she's in the middle of an episode. You're likely to have a rolled up exercise mat shoved deep inside you through a very tiny orifice.  

Why don't I go out more? Because I never know when the PMDD will kick in or when the depression or anxiety will hit. I never know, going to get groceries, if I'll come home to find her on the floor. I fear leaving her with the boys on 'bad' days because I never know what to expect when I come home - will they be trying to wake her up? will she be locked in her bedroom, sobbing? will she be unleashing her fury on the boys as they wildly chase each other through the house? It's the fear of the unknown.

Don't be surprised if you slip into your own funk after a particular bout of PMDD. It's draining. It's exhausting. You'll be physically, mentally and emotionally wiped. You'll be worrying about her, questioning yourself, wishing you could do more (once you've accepted you can't), wondering if she's ok...it's a whirlwind that is uncontrollable. It keeps you on edge. She may have said something particularly hurtful or mean (just to get you going). That sucks big time. Then, when the dark clouds pass, when she's all kinds of relieved and 'nice again', you may be relieved...but you'll be mentally overwhelmed. You'll want to talk to her...and, perhaps, she'll want to share her thoughts (what you did right, what you did wrong) and that, in itself, further drains you. You don't want to hear all the things you did wrong (or didn't do at all) do you?

It sounds mean or cruel or insensitive but, guys, suck it up. Man up and accept that your wife or partner or lover has PMDD. The more you learn about her & how she handles it the better off your relationship will be. It is an ongoing process, kind of like the Hobbits on their quest for the ring. It's an adventure but one fraught with chaos, insanity, danger and doubt.

What can you do? What can you say? It's easier said than done.

When she's not in a PMDD state, (and, please, don't inundate her with all of these questions at one time!)

• Ask her what you can have on hand for her (salty? sweet? sex & the city boxset?)
• Ask what you can do to help (tell her to be specific in what she wants from you - rub her lower back, check in without saying a word, hand her a cup of tea and walk out, etc)
• Ask her what, specifically, she needs from you (a conversation afterwards? a walk? etc)
• If you think medication is needed, tread carefully - choosing a safe time to mention intervention is paramount.
• If asking her to seek treatment is tricky, wait til you mention 'therapy'...that's another whole kettle of fish.

There's more, I'm sure...but if you have any questions, comments, ideas, suggestions, tips or stories to share, please do so...though it may feel like you're alone, know you're not...the fact you're exploring how you can help your partner demonstrates your strength and resolve. Well done.

A few sites that helped me realize I wasn't alone:

http://livingonaprayerwithpmdd.blogspot.ca/2011/01/dealing-with-pmdd-advice-for-men.html
http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Have-Pmdd/250255
http://meetmypmdd.blogspot.ca/2012/06/top-20-tips-for-men-dealing-with-pmdd.html