Stop Caring

I've struggled with this post for awhile.

It's been written, rewritten, deleted and changed.
It's created a dearth of self doubt, introspection and depression.
But out of my dark thoughts, came a light.

A Twitter friend gave me the push I needed:
put it out there knowing you won't appeal to or appease everyone. Do it for you. Speak from your heart.
Say what needs to be said...you never know who's in the same boat.

Here it is:

I've stopped caring. 

I've stopped giving a shit when she's in her dark state, when she removes herself from all interactions, when she shuts herself away and turtles for the day. When my wife's PMDD takes over, when her bad thoughts, negative energy and deep sadness and high anxieties invade our home, I stop caring...and start trusting.

Expending energy to care and dote upon her, whilst in a dysphoric state is fruitless and draining.
She is not my focus during those times. My kids are of the utmost importance.
And, for the first time in our relationship, I am taking back time for me.

During the days and nights when she disappears for hours, when her mood drags down the happiest smile on our boys faces, when the tiniest morsel of sound or activity sets her off, I cannot stand by and let them be sucked into the vortex. So I care for them. I protect them. I guard them. I save them.

For that's the truth: PMDD is a selfish disorder which seeks conflict, dark thoughts and the opportunity to drag others down into a pit of despair. My youngest said, "It's like a Dementor from Harry Potter, sucking happiness out of everyone." Truer words never were spoke.

Before I continue, let me be clear.
Things have gotten better with her handling of her symptoms.
She's on medication.
She uses medicinal marijuana when REALLY bad...
She often gives me a heads up when the clouds are closing in.
She's tracking her symptoms and moods and energy levels.
But we both agree: it's a work in progress.

And, now that the boys are old enough to comprehend the reality of mommy's disorder and mental health, they're able to understand the need to let mommy have her space. They know to be quiet in or around the bedroom while mommy is resting or not feeling well. It's not easy, they don't like it but it needs to happen. They want to be with Mommy but...Mommy needs her space. Mommy needs her time away from everyone. Even them.

But how does that relate to 'not caring'? Simple. When she's down in the pits, I do what I can to let her be. She's a grown woman who's dealt with her PMDD years before she met me. Her coping mechanisms are ingrained...

She sleeps.
She drinks.
She removes herself.
She plays on her phone.

By removing herself from the equation of life, by not encouraging her to engage with us, but giving her the time to be on her own, am I enabling her? Am I making it okay to distance herself from her family?

I don't care.

She's going to do what she's going to do, regardless of words I speak.

Struggling with this, on a daily basis, not knowing what Mommy we'll see today, keeps us on edge.
A friend told me, "kids can sense the tension...they feel it."

It's true.
They know when I'm edgy because Mommy's on edge - I remind them to 'ssssshhh' or 'stop' more often than normal or necessary. They feel my energy and it's something I'm working on. I'm doing my damnedest to relieve myself of the negative energy and frustrated feelings I have, when she suddenly ups & leaves the connection with her family.

I leave her alone.
I don't ask questions.
I don't interfere with her state of coping.
I don't interrupt her thought process.
I let her be.
I leave her alone.

I've learned that a simple act, like opening our bedroom door to check on her, can negatively impact her process. Asking, "how're you feeling" or "do you need anything" or "can I get you something" is, still, a BAD IDEA.

So I do nothing. I say nothing. I leave her alone. She's a big girl who can take care of herself. She will do what she needs to do. As much as I want to help, to fix, I can't.

My energies are not towards her. My focus is not her. My life force is on my kids....and, as a promise to myself for 2020, on me....I need to think about me. I need to replenish my stores. I need to fill my cup. I need to lift my soul...somehow.

I can't do that if I'm being sucked into a vortex of negativity...so I won't be. When she wants to pick a fight, I ignore her. I say nothing. I ask nothing. It's hard as hell but it's the only way to protect my own sense of being.

If you're in the same state, I urge you to do the same.
If you're being attacked for trying to help, stop asking questions.
If you think you can fix your partner, you can't. You won't.
The reality is, during those days & nights, she doesn't want your help.
She doesn't want you to fix her.

'Caring less' does not mean 'loving less'. Rather, it's loving on a deeper level.

She knows you love her.
She knows you care.
Show it by giving her the space she needs.
Show it by being there when she survives another battle with her PMDD monster.
Show it by caring when the darkness subsides.